thank you, california

cold california

returning a blue black bay

kissing concrete mountains

of gothic spires

bridge silhouettes

and youth faces without smiles

busy fashion

dirty nails on homeless hippies

thai food

guitars

i smile too often

for this town where nowhere

feels like home

a disconnect of my

native grounds

an uneasiness at knowing

all the time lost here

vaporous wasteland

girls with little dogs

walk these grimy streets

eager selfish

expectant eyes looking

only to fill desires

i’m too hard on you

californiabut

you were too

hard on me

you conjoined my survival

to your empty beauty

never fulfilling my taste

perpetuating my lostness

needs unmet at harsh cost

the purchase beneath my feet

left me barely afloat

and at once a barren coastline

desolate without retreat

so i thank you california

for letting me struggle

from your grasp

to a land where i’m wanted

to a place where I thrive

my memories like ghosts

will haunt your mountainsides

where my tear stained screams

filled the desert

before i knew to leave you

before i realized

i never belonged

to you