thank you, california

cold california

returning a blue black bay

kissing concrete mountains

of gothic spires

bridge silhouettes

and youth faces without smiles

busy fashion

dirty nails on homeless hippies

thai food

guitars

i smile too often

for this town where nowhere

feels like home

a disconnect of my

native grounds

an uneasiness at knowing

all the time lost here

vaporous wasteland

girls with little dogs

walk these grimy streets

eager selfish

expectant eyes looking

only to fill desires

i’m too hard on you

californiabut

you were too

hard on me

you conjoined my survival

to your empty beauty

never fulfilling my taste

perpetuating my lostness

needs unmet at harsh cost

the purchase beneath my feet

left me barely afloat

and at once a barren coastline

desolate without retreat

so i thank you california

for letting me struggle

from your grasp

to a land where i’m wanted

to a place where I thrive

my memories like ghosts

will haunt your mountainsides

where my tear stained screams

filled the desert

before i knew to leave you

before i realized

i never belonged

to you

a pale crossover

a pale crossover

from now

back to the infinite birthing

how stars implode

a foreign vacancy

gazed in mystery we’ll stand

oblivious to our vastness

until a tidal ripping

undoes the definite –

maybe weakness births grace

and holds the sun hostage

taunting us

to gain back our strength

i remember mother

admiring songbirds perched

beyond the bedroom walls

visions dance as i awake

an estranged sunbeam enters through

like the curtain was hungry

to sip the wind

i feel like a child today

shying away greedy onlookers

i fold up my intellect’s jaded edges

and put him away for awhile

so i can see with my heart –

i stay in the alien’s land

and try to comfort the sore spots

in my chest

i remember mother

ivory orphan

is this faint –

my voice

my presence

i’ve just learned to thunder in silence

a heaviness leads to strength

but oh your arms

and your body’s weight

i’m carved hollow inside by your memory

haunting every reflection

all the inner doors

tainted by what you showed me

you opened me

a clever gentleness that makes me mourn

when it’s gone

filling me with a newness

and gone just as soon

like an ivory orphan at noon

who sat on the dock in summertime

while the sun slowly whispered

your father will never return