bob’s big boy

the greasy oversized

boyish smiling

checkerboard overall wearing statue

his hair like a chocolate ice-cream swirl

clink clink clink

silverware hitting plates and bowls

a crowded restaurant full of chattering people

vinyl red booths

my mom taking us there as a treat

pies in all the fingerprinted glass cases

the crunch of the grilled cheese perfectly buttered

gooey on the inside

dipping it into a salted beef broth

vegetable beef

sitting next to my mom in the booth

my blond hair in messy braids

i lost my tooth and my red lips form a shy broken

heart smile

who is this guy we are with

i don’t like him

he seems weak and false to my child eyes

i stay quiet and eat my grilled cheese

i wonder if anyone notices

the velcro tennis shoes i’m wearing

we shopped at the thrift store

and I found some worn in pink ones

i like they way they feel

soft and springy

when i play hop scotch

i feel strong when i wear them

i feel special

clink clink clink

a mesmerizing dance of silverware

like a white noise orchestra

i slowly slink down and rest my head

on my moms denim jeans

heavy eyelids

in my dream state

i feel peaceful amongst the noise

safe in her lap with a full belly

hearing the clinking as it weaves into a melodic song

that to this day i remember as i sit here eating

my crunchy grilled cheese

wishing i could sleep safely in her lap

like i did when i was young

a harsh sunrise

there’s a severity that bores itself

into the belly

a harsh sunrise

it must unravel the threads

of the sky and sea

the golden fold where the two meet

that’s where you choose to

surface brighter

than you’ve ever been

and all the pains from past

brought you success and strength

bled your final mercy

staining scars that led you

to emanate the gray form

a crying silhouette

where a man kneels

emanation in the distance

of a devotion that dies

turn your back

on the estranged daughter

for flowering despise

stranger

dearest stranger

i hope this doesn’t

strike you in the wrong way

but upon the first gaze

you struck me as someone

i had once known

but never met

your eyes were much more alive

and luminous than i had imagined

i’ve had a haunting sort of pull

towards you ever since

and the image

of your stare

and the silent way

it pierced into me

riding with the bikers

leroy and his beard

built his cabin with his hands

riding with the bikers

when i was 4

we camped in oregon

and i was afraid of big foot

we saw his prints in the mud

baby blond hair flying in the wind

just a little girl

on the back of a harley

ain’t got no home

taught me how to live

the moment is all that matters

my mama was wild and free

and she taught it to me

sever me

i had myself to blame

for him not loving me

maybe i was too weak

or there wasn’t enough beauty

to capture and hold him

those thoughts keep passing through

then a much more peaceful voice speaks

the truth is he was too weak for your strength

it scared him

and his beauty was much too shallow

to hold the deepness of what you need

that truth i understand

but still feel so wounded

that every interaction i have

i feel awkward

undesirable

a burden

and shameful

for being who i am

which is how i felt with him

sever me

holding depth

holding depth

for the right ones to see

misunderstood overlooked

see me as a precious gem

pulling all the heaviness strings

even when i’m silent

they are drinking from me

stares blank enough to believe

they’ve become you

wish you only knew

that these dark sins are covered

with the luminous

breathing takes me to a light

along with a precious will

to burn the pain

of quicksand flashes

an eternal radiance

scattered of granules

across the sky

where secret stars ache

the burden of greatness

pieces of perfection

held separate

and sometimes kissed

in moments of being

mindless

calm me ancient

shaking leaves from limbs

the dance is fragile

forgetting winter sins

as comfort smiles

mystery turns barren without

its lingering gaze

and awakened ones know

the lies that bare shame

so whose crumpled wings

lie here treacherous

i’ve wandered through the desert

to save the fallen me

who is dying here in painful stride

the rustling winds of time

calm me ancient

to witness that the greatest pains

can borne the sacred